The Online Dating Profile I Wish I Could Write
What if I told you I just fled an abusive marriage — and I’m afraid
This story is part of the Internet Time Machine, a collection about life online in the 2010s.
I used to trust my ability to judge whether a man was safe. But I have been wrong, and now I know I am capable of making a grave miscalculation. I don’t know how to reconcile this with the solid knowledge that the vast majority of men do not hurt women. This is something I’m addressing with myself. Please be patient. Please don’t take it personally.
I’m both more and less afraid of men than I was Before. None of it is your fault, of course, and it’s probably not baggage you’re interested in shouldering, but it’s real. “It’s complicated.” If we begin talking, you’ll need to understand that.
They say online dating is inherently risky for women, but all of life is inherently risky for women. That’s the world we live in. Please help change it — for me, if we go out on a date; for your daughter, if you have one; for all women and men and children. What happens to one of us really does happen to all of us.
I’m both stronger and more fragile than you probably assume. While I won’t communicate with a man who posts an intentionally aggressive or threatening profile photo, it doesn’t frighten me. I’ve been on the other side of that in real life.
But if you come on too strong, if you shower me with too many compliments too soon, I will be scared. I will scurry down the nearest hole to hide in my nest. It will probably take some time for me to come back out.
Don’t feel too bad if we begin communicating and you’re just not into it. There’s no need to carry on. There have been days I could not physically escape the man I was married to; being ghosted by a stranger on the internet doesn’t seem so bad.
It’s the closeness that frightens me.
Online dating is scary in an abstract hypothetical way, which isn’t nothing. But it’s not the same as being scared of the person sleeping next to you. Which is why I’ll probably seem pretty okay right up until the point you think things are going well. That’s when things are going to get rough. It’s the closeness that frightens me. The last time I let my guard down, bad things happened.
Please know that if you choose to reach out to me and you decide you like me, I am going to be something of a long-term project. I’m not playing hard to get, I’m not afraid of commitment, and I’m not dating 10 other guys.
I’m scared. Of you. And I’m sorry.
I’m sorry he did what he did to me. I’m sorry I let him. I’m sorry to project all that fear onto you when you’re not even aware of the context. Please don’t hold it against me. I’ll try not to hold it against you.
If you’re willing and patient, you may find that I’m still capable of love, of trust, of easy friendship and intimate laughter. I think I am. I hope I am. I know I’m capable of apprehending heartbreak, of sitting with whatever hurts you. I can smell pain. I can read it in your eyes, on the lines in your face. You don’t need to be totally okay to be with me; you don’t need to have it all together.
Please understand that behind this smiling profile pic is a real and complicated whole human being who cannot be fully captured in the vapid lists of hobbies and adjectives the app offers to describe me. I know the same is true of you.
I realize this profile text has run a bit too long and is probably a bit too personal, a bit too depressing. The tips on the app told me to be positive, to be upbeat. If that’s what you’re looking for, I imagine you’ll be able to find it here somewhere.
But I wanted to start with the truth.
Keep exploring the Internet Time Machine.